Streetlights, People

Boobies!

2007-12-07T20:19:00.001-08:00

So this is my first little post here in a long time. At least here.... I shall break in new posting habit with this one little story.

Let me preface this tale with the fact that I've been in bed for the past two days with the flu. I'm feverish and I've been eating over the counter medicine for the past forty eight hours and my judgement is more than a little bit clouded. Keep in mind, dear reader, that antihistamines do no block my ability to call a spade a spade.

My roommate asked me if I'd like to join he and his girlfriend at a friend's house. Pretty simple. I agreed, as I'd been sitting at the house on the sofa for a couple of days watching Law and Order while my body flopped from sweaty fever to chilly misery again and again. Even though it was late, I figured that it might be a good idea to get up and moving for an hour.

It was a normal looking house. I hate normal looking houses. They throw me off. You never what to expect when you walk into a normal looking house. If the world were a fair place, there would be Hobo Signs on the fencepost denoting what kind of freaks live inside. All I ask for is a little fair warning. When I walk into a new house, I'd like to know if the people living there are drunks, coke heads, Manic Mutants, Republicans or swingers. What I walked into in this particular house could only be described as a degenerate snakepit. On the whole, I like to think of these sorts of folks as generally good people.

Moved

2006-04-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

I moved this blog over here.
It is right next door to here, I promise.
Not a long drive.

StreetlightsPeople

Jackelope Hits The Big Time

2005-05-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

My Jackelope has hit it big. Just the other day, I got a call from bigshot promoter John McDonald asking me if I would bring it to "The Festival In The Pines." It is going to be front and center at this festival featuring Rat Dog, Larry Keel, Col. Bruce, Moe, RB Morris, Sam Bush, The Steep Canyon Rangers and many more.

Pretty cool, eh?

If you wanna see the 'Lope and some music, head over to the fest. It will be August 26-27 in Coeburn, Va. about fifty miles north of Bristol at the Lonesome Pine Raceway. Tickets are eighty bucks for the weekend and that price includes parking and a camping pass. I've got a feeling that the party will most likely last until sometime late in the evening on the 28th, but don't quote me on that.

I knew that this bad idea would go somewhere. I didn't think that the thing would end up at a Jam Band festival, tho......

Man Makes Trek To Jack-A-Mecca

2005-04-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

A strange and sometimes vulgar man got in his car and drove a gazillion miles to see the Jackelope. He's a super good guy, but I can only assume that a touch of insanity lurks in his brain-holder.
My kinda guy.
The only thing that bummed me out was that he wouldn't help make larger antlers.

freak-man, freak-man and jackelope
So it seems that this entire project is taking much longer than I imagined. I've got some family stuff and some work stuff going on that is going to put a halt to progress for the next few weeks.

The simplicity of this 'lope is something else that slows me down... I'm focusing on the great friggin huge 3-d 'lope and not spending enough time with the little twenty-footer.

Jackelope Hunter

2005-04-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

Jackelope Chalkboard

2005-04-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am not posting todays work on the 'Lope. I fear retalliation from the folks of Douglas. I believe that they may be sending operatives to Weaverville to destroy the World's Largest Jackelope so that they may retain their title.

I had a few minutes to kill today, so I threw together this Jackelope Chalkboard. He stands about four feet tall. The directions on the ChalkBoard paint say that I gotta wait three days before writing on the surface with chalk, so, needless to say, I'm kinda bummed.

Perks Won't Stop Me!

2005-04-09T23:09:00.001-07:00

The town of Douglas tried to bribe me with aJackelope Hunting License good for only one day. They will only allow me to hunt on June 31 between sunrise and sunset. Anyone with half a brain know that those are the hours that 'Lopes hide in caverns deep underground and are nearly impossible to catch. The hours between midnight and closing time are the hours to kill a 'Lope. The Moonshine hours are THE ONLY TIME TO HUNT.

Such perks will not work on this man. No. Not a chance. I will continue to build The World's Largest Jackelope. They may try to bribe me to end construction, but nothing short of a Jackelope pelt suit could stop me.

I will also Lobby to make sure that it is spelled with an "E" and not an "A" between Jack and Lope.

I have a crew coming over tomorrow to help hand the ears and horns. Much heavy machinery will be delivered at sun-up.

First Contact

2005-04-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

Sweet, yet threatening. Note the lack of an emblem on the stationary. I think that they are afraid of me. They fear having a smaller Jackelope than I. I can pity them for their envy. C'Mon- Let's get real here. It ain't the motion of the ocean, it is the size of the horned rat.

Artiste Shot

2005-04-04T20:03:00.000-07:00

I burned some of the wood scraps from the night we cut out the jackelope shape. I took this picture and thought it was fun.
Here it is for you to enjoy.

Not In The Face!!!

2005-04-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

The Eyeballs got started today. I've gotta make them a little more creepy. It was the first dry day in some time and I was pretty excited about pulling the tarp off of the monster. I tightened up some of the black work and painted over the body- I wasn't happy with it. I would like the body to be even more Garfield-like.

Here's the face. I'm off to a good start, I guess. He looks malformed and creepy, so that's good enough for me.

Remember that the face you are looking at is six feet tall.

Anybody have any experience building big fiberglass and foam structures? I'll be needing some advice shortly after finishing up this guy.

Gmail accounts still available if you email me.

More Rain

2005-04-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Phooey! Construction halted due to rain. It seems like it will never quit. Too bad the sucker is too big to fit in the house.

In other news, Gmail has more than doubled email storage. They are now over two gigs. I'm at 2050 megabytes and climbing. Want an account?

Email me.

Artiste At Work

2005-03-29T22:57:00.001-08:00

Laying on some more white paint.
The 'Lope strangely reminds me of Jay Lenno.

Note the Cat-Skin Cap.

Save Yourself! Hide The Body!!!

2005-03-29T22:57:00.000-08:00

I decided that it would be a good idea to cover the thing up. At least until it is done. Lots of people go to the Vance Cemetary up the hill and I didn't want to spook them just yet.... Not until it is in a state that can be explained.

Artiste At Work: From Above

2005-03-29T22:56:00.000-08:00

taken fron the second floor deck of the house. I'm standing on a six foot ladder brushing some paint on the teeth of this giant.
Note the Cat Skin Cap.
It was discovered at a local resale shop earlier today for only a buck. It kept my head nice and toasty.
The 'Lope is starting to frighten me. He looks like he was made by a Giant Three Year Old Ozzy Ozbourne.

Even More Update!

2005-03-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

As the sun set behind the house, I laid down a little white paint for the Creepy Eyes and Fangs. I'm thinking of pulling out the work light and doing a little more painting this evening.
I'm trying to not cook out the neighbors, but this might just be a little much by the time it is finished.
Gotta sort out the legs, finish the face and add the ears and horns.

More! Jackelope Update

2005-03-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

Everything finally dried up enough to start roughing in the outline painting.
I had to lash him to the second floor deck to keep the wind from blowing him over. It looks pretty good so far, but I've still got a long way to go.

Ameri-Lope Gothic

2005-03-27T21:02:00.000-08:00

A man named "Old McDonald" made me do this. I'm not really one for screwing up perfectly good works of art, but this seemed fitting.

Oh... Who in the hell am I kidding. I AM one for screwing up a perfectly good work of art.
I am shameless.

Giant Jackelope: Update

2005-03-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

I got the first coat of paint on the 'Lope this morning. Just as I was finishing, I looked up and saw rain clouds heading up Reems Creek. Robilee came and helped me try to put the monster in the basement, but he's about a foot too wide to fit through the door.

I moved our firewood out of the wayand put him under our porch. He'll be nice and dry down there. I'll have another coat on him by the end of the day.

Jackass Builds Jackelope

2005-03-26T07:11:00.000-08:00

Production has officially begun on the World's Largest Jackelope. Fuelled by Loud Music and Beer, this creation promises to be one of the strangest things to be on exhibit at my Museum of the Inane Yet Mildly Amusing.

The Largest Jackelope in the world resided in Douglas, Wyoming
They think of themselves as "The Jackelope Capitol of the World." The Douglas 'Lope is eight feet tall . Mine is twelve feet tall so far. The Ears and Horns will add another three or four feet.

He'll end up looking something like this or this.

After I finish this one, I plan on making a foam and fiberglass version that will be free standing.

It will also be twenty feet tall.

Google Search: white trash poetry

2005-03-19T19:04:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty saddened by my most recent Google Search. I thought that "White Trash Poetry" would give me loads of gems. Sadly, I was wrong. I saw nothing from me or anyone from National Minibike fame.

Crap, crap and more crap.

Link

Ten Reasons Why Blogging is Good For Your Career

2005-03-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

Folks have been fired from jobs for blogging. I ran across this text that tells otherwise.

Link

StreetlightsPeople Presents: Worst Of The Oscars

2005-02-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

Much time and thought has gone into this.
What is the worst thing about this idiotic media frenzy?
When you see the images, ask yourself this...
"What is that hair creeping up her chest?"
Yes, that is a plastic surgery joke... Think about it.
Link

I Have Seen The Future Of Belt Buckle Technology

2005-02-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

This was found through a Google Adsense ad right here on this blog. I Have never typed this word, but here goes-- BLING!

Elvis would wear one of these belt buckles, were he still living on this particular planet.

Yup, the belt buckle flashes messages in glowing red or blue LEDs and is surrounded by honest-to-goodness fake diamonds. If it streamed a stock ticker, this belt would be perfect. Sadly, It only displays six scrolling messages of 256 characters. Awwwww...

I'd be tickled skinny to have one of these babies. Twenty eight bucks wholesale- Is it worth being a retail buyer?

Link

A Chrome version is found HERE

FEZ Monkey Organ-Grinder Belt Buckle

2005-02-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

It can be kinda tough to run across something REALLY COOL on ebay. The things I find that are really cool are overpriced- Except this.. A belt buckle with the head of a monkey wearing a fez.

You just can't put a price on love.

Link:
The same guys also have this
and this

I sure am easy to shop for.

You Asked For It

2005-02-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

I've had a number of requests to do a mobile version of this blog. II have no Idea how to do this, but I've slung something together. Time will only tell if it works out. If anybody knows anything about this sort of stuff, please let me know.

Here's the Link - put it in your phone, I guess.

The link doesn't seem to want to work from a regular browser.
http://winksite.com/thompat/street
is what you should put into your phone.

Later...
---It is official. Winksite is too much of a pain in my ass. Any suggestions for a frequently updated rss feed to a mobile device? I'm stumped.
Much Later...
Not a good hobby for a drinker.

Seiko Digital watch on Ebay

2005-02-18T11:31:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about how cool it would be to pick up a couple of old digital watches. I'm always breaking regular watches, and i thought that a sporty digital would be nice.

Here is where I was wrong: Those cheezy 70's and 80's watches are really expensive these days. Check out this auction, for example:

Link

I dove into the LCD watch scene for a few minutes today. Here is another whopper that I came across. Be sure to read the description. It is refered to as "the chosen one."

Link

I also found the timepiece de resistance- A 14 Carat Gold Pulsar LED watch.

Link

GMail, Anyone?

2005-02-17T19:01:00.000-08:00

If anyone wants GMail Invites, just send me an email. I think I've given them to everyone I know.

-TPB
After handing out a number of these invites, my number remaining keeps on jumping up to 50. If you can think of ANYONE who might want one, just point them to this page. Remember that you can use Gmail(at least for the moment) as an external drive.
Here's HowTO: Link

W.T.F.????

2005-02-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

Ok.. Here's the rub... I was getting about five hundred hits a day for quite some time. Not bad for a jackass. I stopped posting to see what would happen and the hits dropped to--- get this-- fifteen per day.

What in the hell is going on? I got close to seven hundred folks visiting this blog today! I posted stuff the other day and visitors started to increase, but I didn't think that it would go that high. Are you people drunk?

Is it raining where you live? Don't you have anything better to do? Does your boss know what you are doing on the clock?

I'm just some jackass! Stay the hell away from me! Focus!

Columbo: Kindred Spirits Or Spirits Kinda Kindred

2005-02-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

Let's take a ride in the WayBack Machine-- I lived in a little town called Byron Bay, NSW, Australia At the time, the population was aroound fifteen hundred, but "the man" came in, built a bunch of resorts. The town I lived in is now, by all measures, GONE thanks to such cute little mom and pop companies like Club Med.

My anger aside....

As a homesick lad, I would go to a bar every afternoon and watch Columbo. It was my only resort that was a compromise between my desire for American culture and the Aussie desire to get piss drunk at two in the afternoon.

OK-- My arm was not twisted. Columbo still kicked ass. He had the bad eye, the rumpled shirt and the ability to annoy the hell out of people. I don't understand why I like the show so much.

Yes, that was sarcastic.

There's just this thing- My wife talks about it all the time... She hates it when....

Link

Blogger Pisses Off Telemarketer-Hilarity Ensues

2005-02-09T08:26:00.000-08:00

I love Telemarketers. I'm also a big jerk. I keep them on the telephone for as long as possible by feigning interest and asking stupid questions. The more time that they are on the phone with me, the less money they make. Like I said- I'm a jerk.

Over the past few weeks, I've been getting bunches of calls from some Indians informing me that I'm eligable for a government grant for anywhere from $3000 to $25,000. these guys are great. The first time that they called, I asked what I could use the money for. The guy said that I could only use the money for good.

"Like opening a coffee shop?"
"Yes, Like a coffee shop."
I told him that I didn't like coffee, but had been thinking of selling drugs to school children.
"No. you cannot sell drugs to children."
"But it makes more sense to sell to the kids- I could build my own market and end up getting a better return on my Grant money. Simple economics, friend."
"NO! You MUST use the money for GOOD! Not for evil!"
"How about opening a coffee shop? You know how to run an espresso machine?"
*click*

That was good fun. I pissed the guy off and I walked away with a warm fuzzy feeling.

This morning, I got another call. This time it was a young lady on the phone. I just kept on asking her to repeat herself and she finally hung up.

About an hour later, the phone rang again. some Indian guy telling me that I was going to get a grant... blah, blah, blah.
I kept asking him to repeat himself. I asked him to speak more slowly. the guy got fed up with me rather quickly. Robilee just happened to pick up the telephone at the exact moment when the guy snapped.
Here is what she heard:
Indian guy: Your Mother weel be fucked tonight.
Me: I'm sorry?
IG: I weel be coming to your house this evening and fucking your mother.
Me: You are going to have to speak more slowly.
IG: I weel be at you house tonight for fucking your mother and your wife.
Me: I can't understand what you are saying, man. You are gonna have to speak more clearly.
IG: Your daughter. Your beautiful daughter. I weel be fucking her tonight.
Me: My doctor? What about my doctor?
(This is when he went completely off his curry-eatin' nut)
IG: YOU LEEV AT (gives my address) AND I WEEL BE COMING OVER TONIGHT TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER YOUR WIFE AND YOUR DAUGHTER!
Me: That's my neighbor's house.
*click*

I can't wait for them to call back. I'm jotting ideas down on notecards and leaving them beside the telephone. Any suggestions?

Update:
Tomorrow, I've decided to record a murder scenereo with the lovely Miss Robilee. Yup- complete with gunshots. This will be played for the next overseas telemarketer. Is this illegal?

I'll cry wolf to the poor bastards. Overseas 911 calls are expensive, aren't they?

Lifehacker: Cool or Creepy?

2005-02-09T07:48:00.000-08:00

I've been chumming through this website for some time. It is chock full of tips and tricks for making life a little easier and more productive. I appreciate that to no end.

Here's the creepy part: It is sponsored by SONY. It even has a logo in the page header. That creeps me out just a bit. The other thing that creeps me out are the ads that pop up for a split second and vanish. I don't know if this is a result of my Firefox browser or if they are experimenting with subliminal ads.

The other option is that SONY is a warm-hearted, family company and they are looking out for my best interest.

Link

The Rasterbator Rocks

2005-02-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

Here is a net-based app that Rasterizes any image and returns it to you in .pdf format for you to print. A really cool toy for printing HUGE images. Think of the fun you could have plastering buildings and office breakrooms!!!

They also offer a standalone for you to run on your PC if you don't like waiting on their que.

Link

White-Bread Printing Woes

2005-02-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

This may sound odd, but I'm trying to transfer images to bread. After trying pretty much everything under the sun, I've come up with diddley. Anybody have any ideas?

Hacking Children's Books

2005-02-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

So this is one of the greatest things I've seen in a long time. This guy hacked a "Golden Book." He managed to turn it into something eerie and despicable.

You cannot imagine my horror, however, when my eyes met pages filled with saccharine, pastel artwork depicting cold-eyed androids that were clearly not of our realm. In a Beautiful Mind moment of schizophrenic clarity I saw the book for what it was: not a gentle introduction to life's most profound curiosity, but a primer for the parasitic offspring of an invisible invasion!

For the safety of our race (if any still remain) I have translated this book in the hopes that a resistance may arise. Read the baby powder scented Final Solution of our enemies from beyond, otherwise known as: The Cuddly Menace

Beauty in Fear.

Link

I Thought NASCAR Had Already Sold Out

2005-01-28T01:55:00.000-08:00

It seems I was wrong. When Cartoon Network and Viagra were on the same track, I assumed that NASCAR adverts had hit the roof of strangeness. It seems that Anti-smoking scumbags, Nicorette have joined the gang of racers known for chewing tobacco, drinking beer, watching cartoons, listening to KISS and eating viagra.

Let's hope that the beer takes hold before the viagra and these morons don't make little morons.

Product placement is where it is, my friends!

Link

Gone Too Far

2005-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

She is dressed up like some Japanese Anamation character and has a streaming site. She kooks me out to no end.

I can't sleep after watching this. Days have passed and she still sits in a little browser window with her big eyes on her fake face. She haunts me like a chainsaw killer. I must find new meds to help me deal with this.

Link

Crispin Hellion Glover's Feature Film

2005-01-25T13:09:00.000-08:00

To be released at Sundance, the long-awaited Crispen Glover film, What Is It? has so far flown under the radar of mainstream media. Not a shocker, really.

The movie seems to be about Glover turning some guy into an invertebrate and generally acting like.... Himself.

I can't wait to see it. The Trailer is great.

Link

Blogger Finally Finds Barber

2005-01-19T21:29:00.000-08:00

I finally found a barber today. I've been looking for a good barber since Jimmy Taglioni's barber shop burned in Savannah, Ga. My dear friend Christian an I would g et Craig Kilbourne-esque hair-do's at Jimmy's while drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. It was a proper barber shop with proper rules. Drink, smoke and sit your ass down while you get a bustass haircut.

I found a new guy here in Asheville--- His shop is behind a bar and a tattoo shop. He was asleep in a barber chair with an out-of-date magazine over his face when I arrived. The floor hadn't been swept in days. The barber chairs had ashtrays built into the arms.

I was is heaven.

Got a bustass haircut out of the deal, too.

It has been brought to my attention that I was the only one sporting the Craiggers Hair-Do. My friend Christian insisted on looking like a DipShit. Thanks for straightening me out on the details.

"I'm On Morphine," Says Juror

2005-01-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

Beautiful story, short and sweet about a bad jury pool in Memphis, Tennessee. Every Jackass in the city cot called into the pool, it seems. This pool was poetry in motion.
Link

Blogger Wow'ed By VOIP

2005-01-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

I've been spending around a hundred bucks in long distance each month. The home office is somewhere in Minnesota, I've got friends all over the place and Robilee talks to her god-daughter for a couple of hours each Sunday. It gets expensive.

I picked up the Vonage service this morning- Their twenty five dollar a month plan will save me seventy five bucks on long distance.

Vonage was no problem to set up- Plug in power, plug in ethernet and plug in a phone. Bing, Bang, That's it.

Calls are clear and long distance is free.

If you've got broadband, I suggest you give it a whirl- they've got a referral program, if you are interested, Email me and You can get a free month.

Link

Album Cover Zen

2005-01-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite places on the web is Chaos Kitty's Web Zen. Always something strange, informative or just plain freaky. The Current episode is Album Cover Zen. The Last episode was Album Zen I discovered some great music from the album zen. Be sure to check both of them out.
Link:web zen current
Link: Web Zen Album Zen

Blogger IS, In Fact Idiot!

2005-01-12T01:11:00.000-08:00

After weeks of reviewing music for the ol' ipod, it hit me

I'm a damned IDIOT!

I've been trying to find cool music via I-Tunes. Sure-- I picked up The Bad Livers and a couple of John Hartford albums... Where are the Fugs? Where are the Germs? Where in the hell are The Mentors?

give me a link

Fox: No Superbowl Ass-Shot For Former Child Star

2005-01-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

The first good move FOX TeeVee has ever made- They won't let Mickey Rooney's bare ass grace the television screen.

The long and short is this: Somebody is selling something and Rooney's ass ends up in the commercial. I don't know what it is. Don't care. Rooney ass is bad.

Would you buy a product endorsed by droopy old buttocks? I hope not.

Blogger Has No Comment: Copies and Pastes Entire Article

2005-01-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

Cut and pasted from the original story.
What the HELL?
Masturbating boys cause a stir
07/01/2005 12:24 - (SA)
Click here
Related Articles
# Naked rumpus upsets family
# Banned: Nudity at home
# Snow White poses nude
# Naked antics land man in court

Riot Hlatshwayo and Glacier Nkhwashu

Tzaneen - Sexily-dressed women in a small Limpopo town have fallen prey to a group of teenage street kids that masturbate in public whenever they see them.

One woman, 24-year-old Gloria Shingange, had an embarrassing moment on Thursday when the boys drooled over her at the Tzaneen Mall because she was wearing a mini-skirt.

"They followed me around the mall with their hands inside their trousers. I walked out of the mall and when I stopped at the robot next to the Tzaneen police station they shouted saying I was attractive," Shingage said.

She said the boys took out their penises and started masturbating in full view of everyone while groaning in ecstasy.

Cops just laughed

"One of them said my legs were sexy. He then closed his eyes, grimaced and shouted at the top of his voice in apparent enjoyment of what he was doing," said Shingange.

"He held up his penis for everyone to see and started masturbating," she added.

"I was very embarrassed. They stopped traffic and all eyes were on me."

Shingange's embarrassment was however not going to end there.

The incident sent police officers at the Tzaneen station into stitches as she tried to open a case of public indecency.

The police allegedly refused to open a case, claiming that the street kids didn't commit any offence because they didn't touch her.

"They told me straight in the face that they were not taking my complaint because I wasn't raped," said Shingange.

Mopani police spokesperson Superintendent Moatshe Ngoepe said he wasn't aware of the matter.

"This is an act of public indecency and cannot be tolerated," Ngoepe said.

"Anyone who tries to open a case of any kind at a police station and finds no help must not leave the station without speaking to the station commissioner," he added.

Some people however have a different view.

Vegetable vendor Mthavini Khoza said she condoned the boys' action.

"These boys are doing the right thing because their actions are likely to reduce the tendencies of wearing 3cm (sic) skirts in public and embarrass every woman," she said.

"I wish they rape them one day so they may start respecting their bodies," Khoza said.

One of the boys, a 14-year-old whose name cannot be revealed because of his age, had no qualms to speak about the incident.

"I feel very happy after masturbating next to a woman with beautiful legs and wearing see-through clothes," the boy said.

"There is no girl out there who wants a filthy glue-sniffing street kid so the only way to relieve our sexual appetite is to masturbate," he explained.
-----------------
Holy Crap! I'm at a loss for words!

Who Is Cody?

2005-01-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

I know only one Cody. He was a damn good bartender back in Savannah, Ga. He turned to NASCAR and I haven't heard from him since. I did a Google Image Search for "Cody" to find out what other Codies looked like.

This Cody seemed to be the biggest schmuck out of the bunch.

At least there are some cute girls who hang out with his friends.

Link To Google Search
Link To Schmuck

Buy My Crap

2005-01-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

I keep on forgeting to blog the fact that I've got a Cafe Press site with Robilee's "Lulu" Character, My "art," Dwain Johnson Merch and a mug with a picture of me and a midget. Shame on me. Shame on me.

Link

Fun With Drunks

2005-01-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ebaum's World Is hosting pictures of what jerks have done to drunken, passed out friends. Pretty funny, but not safe for the cubicle at work.

Link

Pirate Museum Opens- Noone Under 18 Allowed Inside

2005-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

...Because of all the "Booty." Hardy Har Arrrrrr!
I've never been to Key West. I've finally got a reason to head down that way-- Yes, a Pirate museum has opened! It looks like they've got everything I'd ever want to see!

Link

Never Be Broke Again

2005-01-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

Instructions on how to make a Wallet out of twenty One Dollar Bills. Hip. Happenin'. Just don't loose it.

Link

Looking For Work?

2005-01-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

There is a job opening in Baghdad. I think that we should all apply.

Link

Jeb Bush says Florida Hurricanes Pale In Comparison To Tsunami

2005-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

In related news, Jeb Bush is a dumbass.

Link

Aid Flight Delayed in Indonesia After Plane Hits Cows

2005-01-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you have travelled in Indonesia, but this didn't surprise me a bit. A 737 flying into Aceh hit a herd of cattle that was hanging out on the runway. I don't understand why the Indos don't notice stuff like that. "Flight 902, could you hold on for a minute. We've gotta clear the cattle off the runway." That's all it would have taken to avoid the accident. Instead, the tower just said, "Flight 902, You are clear for landing, but you'll encounter a little turbulance about halfway down the runway."

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Chump Breaks into House, Shoots Self In Leg

2005-01-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

So this guy broke into someone's house, armed with a gun and a hatchet. The folks were home, so he did what anyone would do- He held them hostage, forced the husband to play the piano, asked them to order a pizza and then, while playing with his gun, shot himself in the leg.

What a genius.

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Concrete TV

2005-01-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

Yankees invaded my brain and transposed video imagry and music. This is what it is like living in my head. Watch and pity me, but only if you have high-speed and there are no kids around... For miles.

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Mini-Kiss

2004-12-29T18:16:00.000-08:00

I'm at a loss for words yet again. Mini Kiss is, of course, a Midget Kiss Band. I wonder if they are any good?

Little Entertainment also has little Elvis and a midget stripper.

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Photoshop This Boob!

2004-12-28T07:45:00.000-08:00

I'm a chump, a dweeb and a buffoon, but this guy takes the cake. I call for a Fark-esque Photoshopping contest. Don't worry- I'll email each entry directly to the guy.

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Prankster Makes Buffoon Of Starbucks

2004-12-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to explain this. Amazing. Take the time and read the whole thing.

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Smug Bitch Moans About Prison Food

2004-12-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

It seems that Prison food isn't quite good enough for out Dear friend, Martha Stewart. Luckily, she's had lots of time to think about Television whilst in the joint.

I am fine, really. I look forward to being home, to getting back to my valuable work, to creating, cooking, and making television. I have had time to think, time to write, time to exercise, time to not eat the bad food, and time to walk and contemplate the future. I've had my work here too. Cleaning has been my job – washing, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, raking leaves, and much more. But like everyone else here, I would rather be doing all of this in my own home, and not here -- away from family and friends.

Read the whole thing. What a bitch.

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Backfire: Turning Pickets Into Pledges

2004-12-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

Planned Parenthood has started a new program to make money off of Protesters. What a beautiful concept: People pledge between a quarter and a dollar for each Picket that shows up. So far, they've made eighteen thousand dollars off of this project.

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Elvis' Creepy Daughter To Sell Estate

2004-12-17T06:13:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows this... I assume that it is all over the news. Lisa Marie Presley is selling Elvis' Estate for $100million bucks and retaining posession of the little house on the hill. There is bout $25mil debt involved, but Elvis earns over Forty Million Bucks each year doing nothing but decomposing! I'm sure that there is much I don't know about the situation, but clearing forty million is pretty good for a dead guy. Damned if I'd let loose of that checkbook.

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New Punk Comp: 80's Berkeley Bands

2004-12-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

How Punk-- Two giant MP3 files-One for each side of the tape- availaple for download. Great old punk rock with all the crappy recording and everything else so good about the good old days.

"Lest We Forget" was originally compiled and released by Aaron Elliot of the acclaimed fanzine Cometbus (and drummer for Crimpshrine and Pinhead Gunpowder) in 1991 to document the Berkeley punk scene of the 80's. I don't want to be accused of wild exaggeration by saying the music here is exactly essential (although there's some great stuff here) but it is absolutely essential to appreciate the why, who, and how of what was being created at the time. Their output has had a significant impact on today's music. You can connect the influential dots from this tape to Maximum Rock'n'Roll to Operation Ivy to Green Day to whatever indie/punk act you're listening to right now.

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KRUCOFF'S TOP

Frog Meets Mouse, Frog Eats Mouse

2004-12-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Now here's something you don't see every pay: A photo sequence of a frog eating a baby mouse. I didn't know that frogs ate mice. Whaddya know.

Learn something new every day.
Somewhat disturbing, but should be fun to Photoshop.

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Picture Appears On Internet- COMPLETELY Freaks Out Blogger

2004-12-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

Not work/child friendly. I am otherwise speechless.
Curious as to how I ran across the image? I did a Google image search for "idiot."
The fault is mine and mine alone, yet I share the sickness with all.

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Flash Mob, But Actually Entertaining

2004-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

Improv Everywhere is absolutely astounding. They are a NYC group improv group that gather and cause minor mayhem. My kinda folks.
Be sure to go through the "Conquests" page. Pure Genius.

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Namco Plans Ramen-Noodle Theme Park-Blogger Laughs At Absurdity

2004-12-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

Yup, You read right- A Ramen-Noodle theme Park set to open up sometime in February. I've gotta get a Tee-Shirt from that place: "My mamasan went to Raman-Noodle-Land and all I got was this rousey Tee-Shirt."

Hilarity ensues.

Link

Fly Lands In Beer- Creeps Out Blogger

2004-12-11T20:48:00.000-08:00

So all is hunky-dory in this blogger's world. Sitting and scouring the internets looking for news, listening to Agent Orange and having beers. The last swill of the last beer, my tongue met a strange, meaty substance not commonly found in beer. Was it a cigarette butt? No, I don't live in a Frat House. Was it a mouse? Wouldn't shock me... It was a friggin' FLY! Little bastard had drunk about half my beer before drowning!

I shall keep him, mount him on some foam core and frame the sucker.

He has earned the right to be in my permanant collection of Buzz-Kills.

No pun intended.

If You Didn't Know, Microsoft BLOWS!

2004-12-10T20:46:00.000-08:00

So... today, I rescued all valuable data from my PC, burned it on cd, reformatted my drive and proceeded to reinstall WinXP. I've got a real-live CD and a real live serial number. No illegal crap happening. when asked for the serial, I typed it in, and XP told me that it was an invalid key. I double checked. Typed the key in again. Tripple checked. Typed again. Time after time, I got the same response.

So I called Microsoft. They offered to sell me a new CD Key for ten bucks. I told them that I had a key, but it wasn't working with the OS it was packaged with. The little girl on the other end smugly asked me if I was sure that I had typed the key in properly. It seems that since I typed in the correct numbers and letters and it didn't work, I now owe Microsoft ten dollars for a new key.

I am typing this from a newly resurected PC running Mandrake Linux.

OOPSIE!

2004-12-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

I've been out working on the road for the past week or so and haven't had time to blog. Sadly, I'm pretty booked up this week, too. More posts will likely show up Thursday night or Friday. Until then, scroll down and enjoy the hand-knitted Uterus.

How To Knit A Uterus

2004-12-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

Yup-- Everything has suddenly gone down the tubes, so to speak. This site offers a how-to on knitting a uterus.
knitty.com: "It's not completely anatomically accurate. I've taken a few liberties with the general shape and scale, as well as leaving out the ligaments connected to the ovaries. And, of course, the human uterus is not normally bubblegum pink."

Link

Breaking News: College Students Have Sex!

2004-11-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

Years of research have gone into the making of this "Family Minute" news-face fronted by Mark Merrell. According to him, sex is "The Latest College Activity."

Nothing of the sort happened when I was in College. That guy must've gone to BYU.

Link

Slight Rework Of Blog

2004-11-23T16:55:00.000-08:00

I've been getting about five hundred hits each day on this blog and after some complaints about my archiving schedule, I decided to change my archives a bit. I reworked them to monthlys instead of weeklys. I don't know why I had it weekly, anyway. It is a pain in the butt for me to find old stuff, too.

No More Hassles, thanks to you!

-tpb

Onward Insane Christain Soldiers

2004-11-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

I did some posts about the KKK a little bit back and I've finally found something more disturbing. This is "an eye for an eye and an arm and a leg" built on some version of the Bible that I've never read. Spooky and Insane, these guys are trying to do to more harm in the name of God than Jim Jones or David Koresh.

Link

What A Tough Evening!

2004-11-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Earlier, Robilee asked me to put a pot of boiling water on the stove. She intended on doing something with about fifteen pounds of marrow bones that the dogs have been chewing on. Not one to ask too many questions, and considering that I was a touch frightened about the presence of so many bones in the house, I filled a large pot up with water and looked at the stove.

I carried the pot of water to the nearest house, put it on his stove and tried to get back to my house before the water stopped boiling. It didn't work too well. I even tried driving the boiling water between houses. No joy.

I built a fire in the fireplace, and the water is slowly heating up. Hopefully, this will work.

She's asleep right now, but I'll wake her up when I get that pot of boiling water on the stove.

Seven-Ereven In Japan

2004-11-22T22:28:00.000-08:00

For years, I have been curoius about the history of the "Seven-Ereven" stores in Japan. Here stateside, we call them 7-11's, of course. I finally ran across the corperate website, and all of my hopes and dreams were fulfilled.

Here's one thing that I noticed: 7-11 Japan employees 4,665folks. There are 10,303 stores in Japan. That works out to 2.2085744908896034297963558413719 employees per store, give or take. This includes all desk-monkeys and jargon-talkers.

No time to talk on the phone and do your nails behind the counter in that convenience store- You've got a board meeting in twenty minutes!

Link

La-Z Gene Found... I Think.

2004-11-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

I just read the headline. Waiting for the movie... To come out on DVD. PPV might be easier, tho.

Link

"Aww.. That's Too Much, Howard" Gets Idiot In the Running For Own Talk Show

2004-11-22T21:43:00.000-08:00

Howard Stern's Groovy sidekick and New York peon, Robin Quivers, is trying to land her own talk show deal. Years of quiet laughter and mundane quips are, it seems, just the tip of the iceberg in this media moron's vast talent closet. She can pretend to listen, feign concern and give hugs to needy children. What a great personality. She's like a blind date.

Fat, too.

If this deal goes through, it will be proof positive that everyone with an IQ lower than the temperature of my soda-pop will have a talk show by the year 2010.

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Quantum Astronomy: The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

2004-11-21T22:23:00.000-08:00

I always like to do a little light reading right after a Beer and Beef Bar-B-Q snack just before hitting the pillow for a little shut-eye. This was tonight's little bedtime story.

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Chris Hobgood, RIP

2004-11-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

Mourn, you bastards, mourn.

UPDATE
Brian Sent me this:
Here's the low down from Knox News:

Police charge man with murder in fatal shooting
Police charged a man with felony murder in connection with the fatal shooting of a driver found slumped across the front seat of his car in Northwest Knoxville.

Eric O'Neal Alston, 33, was being held in jail in lieu of $200,000 bond in connection with the 2 a.m. Wednesday slaying, records show. Police said Alston had been arrested about 3:30 p.m. Thursday at an apartment on Magnolia Avenue. After being questioned by investigators, Alston was charged about 9 p.m. with felony murder.

Alston is accused of shooting Christopher Todd Hobgood, 36, of Knoxville, as Hobgood fled from his assailant, according to records. The men had been standing outside an apartment in Western Heights when Alston "demanded money from the victim," court records show.

Hobgood ran from Alston and escaped to his car, according to records, but Alston fired at least two shots at the fleeing vehicle. One round smashed through the driver's window and struck Hobgood in the torso.

Hobgood's Hyundai Sonata then slammed into a vacant house in the 1600 block of Reed Street, where police found the victim.

I Never Get Invited To The Good Parties!

2004-11-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

It seems that shortly after leaving Palm Springs, CA, that a teenage chimp escaped for a night on the town. Why didn't the little guy get out while I was there?

Link

Pee-Wee: On The Road To Somewhere

2004-11-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

Tee-Vee's Paul Reubens(aka Pee Wee Herman) is bracing himself for two new movies and the release of Playhouse on DVD.

I've always thought that the guy was a maniac with his ducks pretty much in a row. Sure, he got into a little trouble here and there, but he's always come out on top. Let's hope that the new movies do well.
Link

McDonalds Makes Hot Ad, Creeps Out Blogger

2004-11-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

Here's a new Japanese McDonald's ad featring a really hot girl dressed as a revamped Ronald. Eerie. Creepy. Cool.

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Pitman World

2004-11-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

This guy always has some strange stuff. Strange audio and clip art meet an acid-eater's sensibility.
Tune in, Freak out.
Link

What a Day!

2004-11-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

I was standing outside my Job Site today, having a chat with my helper, when I noticed a plane coming in for a landing. My helper noticed that the landing gear wasn't down. He then told me that there was no landing strip nearby. The plane crashed about a hundred yards from me.

Not something you see every day.
UPDATE
I added the crappy picture of the crash. From my vantage after the crash, I could see very little. This is what I could see when scumbag me went to get my camera.

It seems that the little craft ran out of fuel(huh?) and not a soul was injured.

Visiting Vegas? Don't Stay Here!

2004-11-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

PooPanties In Repose

I'm a pretty easygoing guy. I've shacked up in third-world countries in shacks. Hell-- I've even spent the night in OHIO! As a traveler, I've endured my share of hardships. This place takes the cake. Larger than most Asian hovels and cleaner than most Savannah toilets, Las Vegas' Wellesey Inns and Suites is batting 1000 for bad news. Start with the screaming kids, add a topping of noisey plumbing with a touch of screechy air conditioning.. Flambe that with some mouse in the room and add a dash of "housekeeping didn't notice the spent pooped boxers" hidden behind my chair.

I told the front desk hours ago. They told me that somebody would come by to take care of it. Too much time passed, so I wrestled the offense into a towel and placed it lovingly outside my door. It is nearly ten pm. Poo Panties are still sitting outside my door and nobody has bothered to come by.

If they are there in the morning, I might vomit.
Desperately, I will need to speak with them about the state of plumbing noises, mice and poop.

Link:Do Not Stay Here

CRITICAL UPDATE111

2004-11-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

This is the only thing for young people to do for fun while in Palm Springs, California. Unless you know how to steal and drive a forklift, don't even bother.
I tried to talk *name withheld* into lifting an Escalade, but he chickened out because it wasn't a rental.
I hope the rental folks don't check for forklift scars on the undercarriage.

Russian Roulette For Asian Kids

2004-11-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

Not a word of a lie... If the gun doesn't go off, the kid earns points. Creepy little fuckers.... Creepy little fuckers.

At least the packaging is cute- `Specially if you remember Pearl Harbour.

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New Music From The Coconut Monkey Rocket

2004-10-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

Great new mp3s available for download from one of my favorite lounge acts, The Coconut Monkey Rocket. I'm sure you'll all love these new cuts.

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2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes

2004-10-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Kids love Political costumes at Haloween. I can't wait to have some little laborers of my own to dress up in these exciting new costume ideas! My favorite is Jenna Bush's liver. I guess that I just dig seeing a tyke holding a beer can.

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Tiny Indonesian

2004-10-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

This has been all the rage in the news. I wasn't a but shocked to learn that Indonesians were tiny.
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Survival Guide to Homelessness

2004-10-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

An interesting Guide to being homeless written in Blog form.

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Super Mario Bros. On Ice

2004-10-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

One of the more surreal things I've seen in some time. Video game on ice hosted by Alyssa Milano. It must be moving up on bedtime for this thing to peak my curiosity. I'll have strange dreams tonight.

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One Finger Salute

2004-10-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

Quicktime movie of Bush flipping the bird.

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Asian Bendy-Straw Sculpture

2004-10-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

There is something strangely creepy about this. Something strangely beautiful, as well... But still creepy. I do lots of silly stuff, but this takes the cake.

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Cat Tossing For Science

2004-10-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

Take a cat into low-to-zero-gravity. Toss the little sucker about. Science makes a quicktime movie with no real scientific answers aside from understanding that cats really don't dig getting tossed about.

I don't care how sensitive you are: Cat tossing is FUNNY!
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Al Green Shows Off Little Green Man-Alien Not Involved

2004-10-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

It seems that Al Green walked onstage in a fancy tux, but forgot to zip his fly. He also forgot to wear undergarments. Hilarity ensues.

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Boozehound Bees Get Buzzed, Blogger Bummed

2004-10-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

So these guys are getting a bunch of bees tight to study alcoholism, which is some new disease apparantly associated with bee stings. I wish I could sign up for the study.

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Bush:FunnyMan

2004-10-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Where are the weapons? In our hands.
Disturb yourself and go to this site. Watch the Video.
Link

Giant Beached Sunfish Creeps Out Locals- and Blogger

2004-10-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

A one-ton sunfish washed up on the New Zeland coast. this has to be one of the creepiest looking fish That this gentelman as ever laid eye on.
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Fat Slags Dropped From Viz- Bad Movie To Blame

2004-10-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

It seems that some dork made a terrible movie based on VIZ Comic's Characters, The Fat Slags. So bad the the creator decided to never draw the strip again.
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What In The HELL Are They Talking About??!?!?!

2004-10-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

Curious about what your boss just said to you? Don't understand the MTV lingo?
These guys can help.

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